Start with the Right Attitude

Introduction: Start with the Right Attitude

After helping hundreds of people for over a decade as a psychotherapist, lecturer and writer, I believe three rules are essential to making parenting easier. Keep these concepts in mind as you read the following Parenting Made EasyTM report:

1. Don't parent when you are stressed. Parents need to recognize their own stress level and have a willingness to reduce it before they attempt to parent their children. When you are overly anxious, your children will feel that stress and reflect it in their own negative behavior. Stress management techniques are essential for all parents in today's busy world. Find a technique that works for you and use it before you interact with your children.

2. Find parenting strategies that are practical, concrete and easy for you to understand and implement. Many of my clients have told me that they read lots of parenting books and still don't know what to do--the books are too complicated and recommend too many strategies at the same time. You need to find parenting techniques that really work for your family on a daily basis. Real-world parents need Cliff's Notes, not encyclopedias! Use what works.

3. Be positive. Many families get caught in patterns of negativity, conflict and punishment. By consciously breaking these unproductive patterns and replacing them with positive parenting techniques, family dynamics will improve tremendously.

Now let's explore some specific strategies to help make it easier to manage your stress.

I. TAKE THE "STRESS TEST":

Do you experience any of these common signs of stress?

* Are you constantly rushing?

* Are you frequently late?

* Do you often find yourself with low energy and low motivation?

* Do you find yourself having lofty goals, but end up with low productivity?

* Are you easily frustrated?

* Do you get impatient with your children and family members very quickly?

* Do you have trouble making decisions or second guess your decisions?

* Do you have difficulty setting and achieving goals?

* Do you procrastinate?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, you are probably experiencing a high degree of stress. In this report we will address how to deal with that stress, particularly as it relates to parenting. Remember, you can not be a successful parent unless you deal with your own issues first.

II. STRESS AND PARENTING: THE THERMOMETER THEORY:

Parenting has always added stress to adults' lives, but I believe today's parents experience a much higher degree of anxiety than parents of ten or twenty years ago. The reasons are varied, ranging from women's increased desire to work outside of the home, economic burdens, the rise of single parent families, technological advances, the pressure to expose children to as many activities as possible, a general increase in homework and other factors.

Whatever the causes (and they differ from family to family), the reality is that today's families--both parents and children--are operating with an enormous amount of anxiety and stress, which leads to negative family dynamics. It's important to understand how stress works against a positive family experience. I like to use my "thermometer theory" to explain.

Picture a thermometer from 0-10 that represents your level of stress at any given moment in time, with 10 representing the highest level. Most people operate successfully at a 2-3 level (a little stress keeps life interesting). The danger zone exists in the 7-10 range--the level at which your angry, anxious feelings completely overcome you and you can't "get out" of this zone.

If you are in the 7-10 range and your children enter the scene (no matter what their age), you are likely to overreact to whatever situation arises. This overreaction will likely be mirrored by your children (I call this my "mirror image" theory). If you are intense, your children will be intense. If you are calm, your child will be calm. Therefore, when you are stressed and angry and "pounce" on your children, they will most likely reflect your "7-10" behavior. This mutual stress usually results in power struggles, misunderstandings, "bad feelings," regrets and ultimately low self-esteem. (SEE REPORTS: 'POWER STRUGGLES,' 'BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM,' 'POSITIVE PARENTING' and CD/WORKBOOK: "SURVIVING YOUR TEENAGER")

From this scenario, a PATTERN of stress and overreaction often occurs: Parents feel stressed so they have a shorter fuse and overreact to their children's behavior. Children then reflect this negativity and act out against their parents. Fighting ensues, and the pattern continues and intensifies.

Stress is, of course, an everyday fact of life and will never totally disappear. What is important is how you react to stress that makes it manageable or detrimental. You need to monitor your stress levels frequently and notice when your thermometer is rising. When you see yourself moving up to a 4-6 level, YOU as the parent need to take a "time-out" to calm down, reduce the number on your thermometer scale before it rises to the dangerous 7-10 range, and gain control of your emotions before you deal with your children.

Here are some specific recommendations to manage your stress and keep your thermometer level low:

SOLUTION/ TAKE ACTION:

1. Make a note of how you react to stressful situations. Take a pad with you during the day and write down all the situations that caused you stress.

* Number each situation from 1-10 in order of intensity (10 represents the situations that cause the most stress). For instance, if someone "stole" your parking space, maybe that was a "3." Having your car stolen may rate a "10."

* Sit down and make an assessment. Ask yourself how much negative energy each incident took? If your number was higher, it took more energy.

* Next, write a list that reflects your feelings of impatience