Transitioning into Marriage

Transitioning Into Marriage

Cherelle Bond

Liberty University Online

Abstract

This paper discusses .  Despite the social stigma of blended, or stepfamilies, nuclear families are dwindling, and blended families are on the rise.  Approximately, 65% of remarriages include stepchildren, yet, the presence of stepchildren is a prime contributor to the collapse of second marriages.  This paper addresses the unique challenges that blended families encounter, as well as, statistical data, helpful techniques, and biblical instruction for these families.  

Keywords: blended family, divorce, remarriage, stepchildren, stepparent, parental roles, loss, and grief

Transitioning into Marriage

        Most people dream of getting married to the love of their life.  They envision the proposal, the wedding, and even what their ideal family would look like.  These individuals and couples experience a reality check when things do not go according to their plan.  This essay will focus on the issues that newlyweds struggle with as they transition from dating to marriage with the support of helpful techniques, statistics, guidance and homework, and Biblical instruction.

Newlyweds

The term newlywed refers to couples who are recently married.  This range of what is considered “recent” varies from after the honey-moon is over to 3-5 years.  During the honey-moon phase, the nuptials are fresh and exciting, keeping the couple optimistic about their future.  Each person in the relationship has already formed expectations that they have yet to discuss with their spouse.  When reality settles in, there are mixed emotions when those unspoken expectations are not fulfilled.  “Once married, these expectancies become comparisons with the realities of marriage, and couples’ adjustment to marriage is influenced by the level of consistency between what they expected and what they experience in the actual marriage relationship (Hall, S. and Adams, R., 2011).  Many times the couple is dissatisfied with the marriage stems from having unrealistic expectations.  

Before marriage, couples are typically caught in a web of love.  They are very much into each other, expressing their dreams and goals.  They may talk about what their plans are in regards to their career, their likes and dislikes, and even how many children they would like to have.  Although these are important topics to discuss with a potential spouse, other things should be expressed such as finances, gender roles, debt, and marital roles.  These are subjects that may interfere with day-to-day living and may cause stress to the relationship.

Statistical Data

In the United States, “nearly 65% of remarriages form stepfamilies and almost 60% of unmarried couples have at least one child from a previous relationship” (Jensen, Lombardi & Larson, 2015, p. 80).  Twelve years ago, the United States Census Bureau (2003) stated, “over 50% of remarriages, with children, end in divorce in the United States, and rates of separation are even higher in cohabiting than married stepfamily couples” (Halford, Nicholson & Sanders, 2007, p. 471).  It is important to support these family systems.

According to the Pew Research Center (2011), in October 2010, “more than 4 in 10 U.S. adults have at least one step-relative in their family—either a stepparent, a step- or half-sibling, or a stepchild” (Zeleznikowa & Zeleznikowa, 2013, p 318).  Considering these overwhelming numbers, more studies should become available concerning the function and health of these family systems.  Earlier studies, were “largely focused on whether children in stepfamilies were at greater risk for experiencing adjustment difficulties” (p. 320), rather than identifying potential breakdowns and challenges, in an effort to support and strengthen them.

Challenges

Blended families face unique challenges.  According to Zeleznikowa and Zeleznikowa, “the presence of step children is a prime contributor to the collapse of second marriages” (2015, p. 323).  Unestablished parenting roles may be to blame; including how the non-biological parent should handle discipline of a stepchild, for example.  Stepchildren may also feel obligated to remain loyal to his/her parent living outside of the blended family home.  Shalay and Brownlee state that the child “may feel conflicted about developing a rapport with their new stepparent because they believe that in doing so they would be disloyal to their non-custodial biological parent” (2007, p. 20).

Children may also suffer from anxiety regarding all of the changes, which may cause disruptive behaviors and difficulties adjusting.  Additionally, if the non-resident parent is not supportive of the new blended family, it may be difficult for the child to relax and trust that they are safe in their new environment.  Likewise, there may be an impending custody battle over the child(ren); about with whom they should live.

Aside from the emotional challenges, many single parents believe “blending of a family can help restore economic, social, and psychological resources that were strained by a divorce or single parenthood” (Shalay and Brownlee, 2007, p.19).  They may be become disillusioned if/when, that is not the case.

Overall, blended families contend with a myriad of challenges that nuclear families do not.  However, there are helpful techniques and skills parents and children can learn, to adjust successfully.  With blended families on the rise, it is important to take a proactive approach to ensure these second marriages last a lifetime.

Helpful Techniques

Remarriage Relationship Education

        Communication.  Several studies indicate that there is sustained reduction in negative communication after skill-based relationship education (Halford et al., 2007, p. 472), such as the National Resource Center for Healthy Marriage and Families education program.  Although many relationship education programs have not yet, been evaluated, almost all of them included communication skill building (p. 472).

        From a coaching perspective, it is important that Patrick and Christine recognize these tendencies.  It may be helpful for a coach to observe a typical conflict conversation, to help them assess the conflict objectively. Learning to diffuse the situation or conversation will be helpful. Gottman and Silver (2002), say that “repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples” (p. 27).  Repair attempts are “any statement or action – silly or otherwise- that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (p. 27).