My Vision

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My vision so faint as I try to make out this unfamiliar room but my head feel like the percussions coming from a drum line. My throat feel clogged like a drain and my mouth feel like I been deserted from civilization in the savanna so arid dry. I put one hand on my head and try to lift my body but just seem to fall back down and sink my head further into the pillow like quick sand till my eyes shut and I went in to REM sleep.

A few hours went by and my eyes reopen for the second time. This time I had to force myself to get up even though I felt like shit but I had to relieve this morning piss. Glancing out the window I could feel the cool breeze and grey abstracts all across the sky. Drop by drop the rain just fell as part of me wanted to stick my head out the window and catch as many rain drops as I could to quench my mouth. My stomach was starting to roar like a grizzle bear as if It was mad at me because I sure felt every claw it slashed at me.

Walking back to Trey room like a zombie not paying attention I walk straight into the wall, man my brain seem to be like the cable channel with no programs. In the back ground I heard somebody laughing at me as they were approaching me. Trey asked me was I okay? He then escorted me back into his room I just told him "yes" as I started to reach for the bed and reposition myself to find the perfect spot. He walks out the room and when he reentered he told me to "sit up"! I looked at him and said "I don't want to I just want to sleep bruh I don't feel good in my pouting voice. "He assisted that I put something on my stomach and it would help the hangover subside". I thought for a few seconds and just did as instructed to and he had a bag from Mc Donald's and a cup of orange juice. He had a plastic plate, a plastic knife and fork and asked me what kind of jelly I wanted on my bacon egg and cheese biscuit sandwich....In my mind I'm like really I just wanted to take the sandwich and eat it but I told him strawberry and he smiled and said good because that all they had anyway. I just shook my head and watch him hook this little meal up putting ketchup and pepper on my hash brown and cutting up everything so I could chew it better.

He started to ask me questions I guess to ease my mind or the fact that he was feeding me and didn't want me to notice but I really didn't at first. I told him the party was crazy and the last thing I remember was that we were all smoking and we all separated then I ended up in your bed. As my thoughts came racing back to me and I remember me and him in the bathroom with my pants down but only bits and pieces of the memory. I looked at myself to see any signs of us doing anything and the bed but I could tell it was only one person in the bed by the other half of the bed being still made perfect. He started to look at me and I guess he could read my thoughts but he told me that he sleep on the coach. I exhaled kind of glad because I didn't want to do something that I regretted but Calvin put me in a grey area because me and him have no labels but I don't know what he doing behind my back and I just don't want to do something that I will regret or blow my chance.

Before I finished the last couple of bites of food that Trey brought me I just stared in his eyes and they gave me the brightest sparkle but behind them I could sense his desire a flicker flame but the more I stare the more I got stuck and when he strike his smile that his best feature it's like his own secret little potion and behind it he could see vulnerability written all on my face. His smile widen as he played with the fork in his hand as his mind pondered on as he was in deep thoughts and I knew he knew that I knew I was right where he wanted me like bait on the hook.

His faced turned serious and he looks into my brown eyes wanting to grab at my soul but as much as I wanted to be inside his head my only defense mechanism was to think of Calvin.

Trey came out and asked me was I dated somebody? I just look at him because I didn't know how to answer that. He then said better yet what is up with you and Calvin? Wait hold that thought as he gets up and takes the plate into the kitchen comes back into the room shuts his door hit the light switch then stare at me while he unbutton his pants slowly climb out of them reach for some yellow and blue UCLA basket ball shorts, walks over to the bed taking off his shirt to an black tank top revealing his nice golden skin with tattoos everywhere. He climbs on the other side of the bed get under the covers and say okay now speak. I stare at his ceiling looking for the answers or the words to say so I'm gone be straight up with you Trey. The situation complicated I mean honestly I never had penetration yet with male or female. I feel as though now in my life me and a female is like a fading sunset, and this thing with niggas just came about or I just starting to act on it. I mean Calvin and me aren't together and I don't know where we stand or what's his sexuality for that matter cus I know he mess with chicks. Secondly I still getting over the fact my family was all gone and seeing what my mom went through I just scared I will turn out like her! Trey: And what's that? Chance: She worked her life building herself up and creating a nice life for herself and me and my oldest brother. Within her own home that she paid for herself she let this nigga run over her and beat her and try to turn her against me. Emotions start to rush and eyes start to water and the nigga had the nerves to rape me!!!

(Trey looks up and wraps his arms around me)

He said I am sorry that you went through that and that's some fucked up shit. I tried to gain my composure before I speak to tell him man I just been a fucking rollercoaster since then. My emotions come and go and this situation forced me to be so anti social and caused me to withdraw from everything my life was made of. Now with a change of location people just have so many high expectations and it's hard because you want to be that person everybody see within you but when I look in the mirror I just don't see me. I starting to realize I don't know who I am and I scared of my future and what might become of me. I guess I saying just be careful what you wish for because you just might get it but never know at what price though!

So dealing with all of that having to learn a whole new city that is way different where I'm from and meeting new people all over again I sometimes feel like a freshman.

My bad bruh I'm trying to answer your question and now I'm all crying and shit on