Com 200 - Letter of Advice

Letter of Advice

COM 200

Instructor Bence

December 19th, 2011

Dear Dick and Jane,

Congratulations on your commitment and I am flattered that you have asked me for advice, because let me tell you that does not happen very often. Some people will tell you that a successful relationship is based on love, respect and communication. I like to call those people right. Love and respect in my opinion and experience go hand-in-hand; however communication is a completely different animal that takes a lot of hard work, dedication and does not come natural for some people. In my letter I hope to teach you about several concepts that I feel are important to communication within interpersonal relationships. I hope to explain to you how to identify barriers to interpersonal communication as well as explaining to you how emotional intelligence affects interpersonal relationship. Additionally, I will explain how appropriate levels of self-disclosure are important to relationships and describe a few strategies that you could use to manage interpersonal conflicts in addition to explaining how certain strategies can be used to manage conflict in interpersonal relationships. Lastly I will explain how to develop strategies such as active, critical and empathetic listening. The advice I am giving you does not guarantee happiness, but it will provide you a solid foundation to build upon.

Marriage takes much more than the topics I listed above and as I mentioned my advice does not guarantee a happy healthy relationship with out conflict or disagreements. There will be times in your relationship that you will feel like your partner appears disconnect or that he or she is putting up 'barriers'. These feelings are normal and are a part of any loving relationship. Physical barriers such as marked out territories or closed doors are harmful to relationships because research has shown that one of the most important factors in building a relationship is proximity (Schoenberg, 2011). As long as people still have personal space they can call their own (i.e. a garage, hobby room etc...) nearness to others aids communication because it helps us get to know one another. Whenever possible try to communicate face-to-face. Communicating via social media such as Facebook, texting or email can be harmful to a relationship because you cannot identify how a message is supposed to be perceived. This is another example of a physical barrier that should be avoided.

Schoenberg (2011) also contends that, the problem with communicating with others is that we all see the world differently. In a committed relationship you WILL see the world differently. No matter how well you think you know someone, there will be perceptual barriers in which preclude your communication with each other. Recognize that you and your partner are going to view certain topics differently and when you do try to put yourself in their shoes and identify where they are coming from.

Emotional barriers can have a negative impact on communication in that it is compromised mainly of fear mistrust and suspicion. A persons emotional mistrust of others stems from their childhood and infancy when we were taught to be careful of what we said to others. We've all heard the terms, "Don't speak until you're spoken to" and "Children should be seen not heard". Because of this many people hold back from communicating their thoughts and feelings to others. In some relationships some caution may be wise; however excessive fear of what your partner might think can negatively impact your communication with each other and your ability to help your relationship grow (Schoenberg, 2011).

The last barrier I wish to discuss is gender barriers. There are very clear and distinct differences between the speech patterns in a man and those in a woman. A woman speaks between 22,000 and 25,000 words a day where as a man speaks between 7,000 and 10,000. Research has shown that girls speak earlier than boys and at the age of three, they have a vocabulary twice that of boys (Schoenberg, 2011). If you relationship is anything like mine, the husband will often be seen nodding his head, and answering with a simple yes, no or maybe as the woman will carry most of the conversation. When a man talks his speech is located in the left side of the brain, but in no specific area. When a woman talks, the speech is located in both hemispheres and in two specific locations. What this means is that a man talk in linear, logical and compartmentalized ways referred to as "left-brain thinking" A woman speaks more freely mixing logic and emotion which are features of both sides of a brain and explains why woman talk much longer than men (Schoenberg, 2011).

Developing awareness about one's own emotional intelligence before marriage or during married life may reduce the possibility or gravity of future problems. Controlling your emotions, understanding and respecting the feelings of your spouse are important factors influencing marital relationships. Research has revealed those people high on emotional intelligence strike a balance between emotion and reason, are aware of their own feelings, and are empathetic and compassionate towards others (Cardillo, 2008). Emotions have the tendency to impact our performance. Some emotions like anger and anxiety can either enhance or impede relationships and performance, while confidence, optimism, tenacity and enthusiasm typically enhance performance and make relationships productive.

Emotional contagion is a term that refers to the well documented fact that emotions can be likened to a social virus in that they spread from one person to another. What this means is that you can literally catch onto your partners anger, anxiety and depression or similarly, you can infect your partners moot with confidence and enthusiasm (Parker, 2000). Using emotional contagion to your advantage is a key to managing the emotions that impact your marriage.

When you first meet someone our first impressions of people go a long way. Regardless of gender, males and females will tend to attempt to impress their partner as to hopefully engage the other into a relationship. During this courtship there are certain boundaries and topics that are not crossed nor discussed for fear of your partner losing interest in you. As you and Jane began your relationship I imagine you did not know everything about each other. Right? In any sort of relationship we continually learn about each other and there are certain levels of self-disclosure that are not revealed until two people feel