Narrative Essay

“Are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?”        

Ever since I left the appointment with my therapist on that day, the lyric has kept on being stuck in my head. Always have, and always will.

It was a beautiful sunny day in California embraced with joyful atmosphere as New Year’s Eve is coming so close. In slightly sharp contrast to such cheerful spirit, I found it hardly possible to join myself in this festive happiness. I had a stable job at the top agency in the city, various deep and wide relationships and I travelled around the world quite regularly. To a lot of people, this sounds like an ideal life, a nothing-to-complain-about one.

Much as enjoyable as my life was, I had always had a concern, specifically the afraid of falling in love. At the age of mine, a lot of my friends had already settled down with lovely kids, their husbands and probably a medium-sized house right next to beach. My self-awareness was raised, and I did clearly know that it was high time I had showed a gesture of setting long-termed relationship with a dear partner who would stand by me through thick and thin, the one who would together with me building up a family. However, I could not, because of the fear of committing to oneself, for such long period of time.

The therapist’ s office lays few blocks away from the crossroad right in the middle of downtown San Jose. I was suggested by my close friend Chloe, a journalist. We have been friends for 4 years. We met at a concert of Coldplay and our friendship has been growing so strong every now and then. No matter I appreciated her, and her suggestion as well, I still thought it was a silly idea to meet a therapist like that. I was totally conscious about my state. It was just because, I did not want to be in love, and that was it.

It was a bit strange as I could hear a piece of Symphony number 9 resounded all the way from the office though I was just on the verge of entering the hallway. “Must be a tasteful and sophisticated one”, at a moment I thought. Not falling short of my expectations, or assumptions, he was perfectly knit and clean in his Valentino white shirt and Wellington limited edition watch. He greeted me with great amenity and a warm big smile. It may sound strange but from the very first moment I met him, I strongly feel a sense of belonging.

Everything in his office was so tidy.

“So, Samantha, what is really bothering and preventing you from marriage, or even dating a guy at this stage of age?” he asked.

I was a bit pissed off by his too straight and forward question. I certainly got the purpose of the reason why I was there that day, but the fact that people kept on bringing about me and my love life did irritate me, a lot! I am greatly opposed to being judged, because I have a really big eagle.

I, however, tried to pull myself together as to coming up with the most sensible answer to his question. I totally understood that he was trying to figuring out my problem, but what if he judged me? “In no way it can happen!” I spoke to myself.

“Well, I am afraid of being in love”, after much consideration, that exactly was the best answer that I could think of.

Once again, he lit up a smile on his face. It was a bit distracted, but I did not forget to remind myself of maintaining that “resting bitchy face”, I tried to keep it cool, to prove that I find myself perfectly fine living without love. Suddenly, he asked me about my past loves, about how I enjoyed them and the reasons why I chose to put an end to them all. I always thought that “What passed is past”, and the fact that people kept on reminisced about things that had happened well explained the doubt about human misery. I was not that type of person who nostalgically cherishes old moments, because I wanted to dedicate myself for the presence and the future as well. “The more burdens you have on your shoulders, the more struggles for you to soar on your wings”, I strongly believed so.

Against my faith, the therapist put great effort in proving me the importance of past in fixing my current circumstance back then. Sympathetically and gently, he brought my previous loves into question, which helped me to realize so many things that I barely consider about before. Surprisingly, his soft eyes and modulated voice penetrated my soul very naturally.

“I am always solely taken by fear whenever getting into an intimate relationship. With or without notice, I can aware of my afraid-ness of being taken for granted. I just cannot figure out the reason why whenever I fall for somebody, whenever I think that I have met the right one, their feelings for me gradually dies out, and they surely will leave me without words of explanation. I’m seriously tired of it”, I desperately shared.