Mba Accomplishment Essay

This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the client.  [Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the client’s name and other identifying information.  This applicant is now enrolled in the Wharton MBA program.

Dear [client],

I like the structure you have chosen for this essay.  It is very simple—almost obvious—and yet since there is so little space available to you, it is an effective way of moving quickly from one accomplishment to the next.  I do not think you need to have two paragraph breaks in each section, because the first sentence sometimes leads nicely into the next.  I will use fewer paragraph breaks, but if you want to insert them again, you can do so easily.

As a whole, I think this essay could give more attention to the part of the question that asks why you view these accomplishments as your most important.  It seems to me that some more emphasis could be placed on this aspect in each case without taking too much space and I have tried to reflect this in my edit.

I think that we should take great care to separate the first accomplishment (the formalizing of the N-CEO rules) from the answer to essay 1 which describes the club as part of your undergraduate experiences.  Eventually, these two essays will appear next to each other, and it might seem repetitive to a reader.  Ideally, since you introduced the club in the other essay, you would discuss this story briefly there and use a completely different accomplishment here.  (One that I think would be compelling could be your preparation for and success on the Korean national entrance test—most Americans do now know how much energy Korean students dedicate to the test and might be surprised by the size of Korea’s population—so I think this could be an impressive story.  If you decide to use this strategy, we could then cut the detail about the test from the other essay and simply say that you were accepted to the top university in the country.)  If you want to use it, I think it should be cast either as a leadership triumph or in some other distinct way.  I will edit this to try out the leadership idea, but you can decide you want to change it or replace it and send me the new paragraph for review.  

I think the second accomplishment may place too much emphasis on the fact that you were able to earn an international assignment and not enough emphasis on what you did with that assignment.  It sounds like your work there was important and very successful, so it seems a shame that you only discuss it so briefly.  Obviously you cannot talk too much about the technical aspects since your reader may not have the background to understand, but I think you can do some more than you have in this regard.  This is a difficult addition for me to make, and the word limit here is very restrictive, but if you choose to make an addition, send it to me for another review.

The third accomplishment is a very interesting and personal one.  Since it is not a traditional accomplishment for an MBA applicant (meaning it is neither work nor school related), I think you need to put special emphasis on why this is so important.  Is it because you demonstrated that you could excel in any arena, or possibly because your wife and friends get so much pleasure from your music?  An answer like this would bring this answer together nicely.  I have provided one in the edit for you to think about.

All the best,

Nathan

2. What are your three most substantial accomplishments and why do you view them as such? (600-word limit)

        My first accomplishment is to successfully set up identity and governing rules of organization as president of a corporate strategy club in the college.^[a] 

        It was the fourth semester since the club’s foundation when I was elected as president in 2001.  Until then, it had been managed at random without overarching principle or written guidelines.  I believed, however, it needed a stipulated identity that around 30 members can rely on to determine club activities, and rules that consistently guide funds and organization management.  Although new members agreed with me, most of founding members^[b] dissented from my opinion due to the perception that such written identity and rules would harm family-like atmosphere of this new club.  It was similar to the conflict start-up companies went through as they grew, but we could not remain as a brand-new club for good, and had to prepare for the growth of the club.  To move forward with their supports, I made great efforts to persuade them into buying my initiative by showing my passion for changes and explaining the necessity.  After several days of massive communication at cafeteria at day time and through on-line messengers at night, I could draw consensus to stipulate vision and values of the club and establish fund and HR guidelines.  This allowed me to lead consecutive initiatives to make a club logo and websites, and launch two important programs such as CEO study and a volunteer program.

        Thanks to this transformation work, I was reelected as president for the next semester, and I remained as the only president who succeeded in reelection throughout the club’s history.  Currently, the club, called N-CEO, is maintaining the great reputation as one of the prestigious clubs in the college.

        Secondly, I proactively captured an opportunity to work out of Korea when I was in McKinsey, and completed the most critical analysis at a gas processing plant in Malaysia’s national petroleum company.

        One and a half year after I joined McKinsey, I was eager to have a global opportunity I had been pursuing since my college years.  While senior Associates could easily have chances to work in other offices, Business Analysts usually found it difficult to have global exposures because they lacked a distinctive spike.  However, I did not want to let go chances that I could have at one of the most globalized organization, and started to communicate with partners in Seoul Office, emphasizing my quantitative analytic skill which had already gained the office-wide reputation.^[c]  By searching for the posts of projects requiring intense analytic works and continuously reaching partners with the information, I finally got assigned to the project at a plant in the countryside of Malaysia.