I Choose Life

I think I've started this story and written this line over a hundred times and literally cannot find the right words., but here I go... There's this saying that the delete button is one of the most over powering things there is on this planet because its just a press of a button and everything seems to disappear, but its actually not that simple... Its sort of like brushing something under the carpet and pretending like its not there but it slowly gets bigger and more dust and fluff just get swept under the carpet until this huge big fluff ball is created and well that's where all your past few years 'fluff ups' have disappeared to but in the back of your mind it all just sticks there. Oh Yes I was raped, and I tried to commit suicide a few times and you never really forget about it! And one day you just crack and start blaming everyone for your misery and your depression and you're the reason I did that and so on but really its actually and sadly yourself to blame because you made yourself that way! I was raped a few years back by a really "amazing" friend of mine who I trusted a whole dang lot! As I think back now, it didn't really hurt that much until I was told by another very special friend of mine that sex is really bad and that you're only supposed to have it once you married and blah blah blah... The story goes on that 've never really forgiven him because I immediately had the intention to blame all my unhappiness and iniquities on him! After many unsolved and hidden issues that I kept to myself because been seen as a raped and suicidal young girl in this day and age is just too much for me to handle! So I kept it to myself and as life went on I had more and more "dust and fluff" to sweep under the carpet, and eventually my fluff ball grew so big and so wide that I really really had the urge to end my life. Things rush through your mind like you cannot believe when you are going to do such a stupid thing that I was going to do on the 12 of May 2010. When I tell people the this story now, they look at me and say "What the heck?! You look so happy!" And yes its true I'm so much happier and after watching such an inspiring movie, up to today, I've blamed my unhappiness, my depression, my rape and everything else that has affected my life in a good or a bad way on the people who love me the most and have never thought that maybe its me? Maybe I could have done something better so that my life wouldn't have turned out so unhappy! God has given me the responsibility to make those important choices in my life and depending on those choices, he sees everything and those choices really do affect him just as bad. Even though I'm not such an amazing Christian like some of the other kids in my school but we were created to be responsible and God puts speed humps in our lives because he has something planned for me just like he had some amazing gifts