Hell of My Mind: Thoughts Revealed

The last song you sang to me was painter. I hear it in my head every day. I can almost see you standing next to me every time I feel happy or hear something we both would have laughed at. Everything reminds me of you no matter what i do. I lay awake every night for hours drowning in my mistakes and regrets because they just wont leave me alone. You were one of few people i listened to, every time im about to do something wrong i hear your voice in the back of my head reminding me of the advice you gave me. I feel like you've been gone for a while, i felt like i dont know you. But in our last conversation you told me to do what i want, not what others want. I told my brother that i could see the one i fell in love with. And he said a glimpse into what once was will never be again. I broke down the second i heard it but the i thought about what you said. And i decided i needed to say something but i agreed to go separate ways. So this was the only way i could think of and im not even sure that you'll see it. And if you do, then you probably wont want to read it and you'l have wanted me not to write it. But its something i want to do, and i know its not wrong because your voice wasnt in the back of my head telling my to stop writing. I think i would die if i didnt write this. That day when you sang to me, i wish i would've sang back. The week when we were beginning to be friends again, i wish i would have told you my true feelings. I made so many mistakes and i was so unhappy with myself. I sat by my phone for weeks wishing you would call, just to say hi or yell at me. i dont care what your reasoning would've been as long as it meant you were talking to me. Because it felt better to hear you yell at me then to hear people say the pain will go away even though it only got worse and it only continues to get worse. Everyone tells me ill find another girl, but i've talked to every girl i possibly can and i just end up leaving because it doesnt work. You have good reason to leave and i understand. But i wish you hadnt. A thousand girls couldnt fill the hole that you left with me. I kept telling myself that i never need to talk to you again but if you were to call or text, i would answer. i wish things had turned out differently. i wish i hadnt made those mistakes. Maybe im a fool to write this, maybe im being like a teenage girl. But everyone does it at some point:)