Denmark's the Spot

Denmark’s the Spot
by Jeppe Albertsen

MOM: Jeppe? Jeppe! Wake up! Your letter is here, from… S.A.T.A.N.?

JEPPE: Really, is it here?! S.A.T.A.N.? Studying and Training Across Nations… (reading letter) “Dear Jeppe. We are happy to say that you have been accepted to be a foreign exchange student in the United States. There was only 1 other applicant, and he wouldn’t last a day in the US as he suffers from cacomorphobia; or the fear of fat people. We hope you enjoy your trip and the invasive body cavity search upon arriving at U.S. Customs!”

MOM:  Are you sure you want to do this honey? You know, it seems really scary over there in that big country.  I heard on the news that there were tigers--- in the woods--- preying on young girls.

DAD:  Woman, that was Tiger Woods---

JEPPE: ---and I’m not a girl.

DAD: Hah. You got me fooled. Listen son, it’s time for you to grow up and become a man.  And to do that, you need a woman, and American girls love European men--- even ones as incompetent as you.  You’re going to America.

Intro: Mit navn er Jeppe, og jeg er en udvekslings student fra Danmark som valgte at… Oh sorry, was that in Danish? My name is Jeppe-- and I’m a foreign exchange student- from Denmark- who joined the speech team- and wrote a speech piece about a foreign exchange student- from Denmark-- named Jeppe--- who joins the speech team.  This is that piece.  Denmark’s the Spot, an original performance.

JEPPE: First day of school can be a scary experience. But I was really excited about seeing my new schedule.

JEPPE: (read schedule) introduction to the history of history, AP study hall, Spanish. Wait, are they expecting me to learn a 3rd language in my 2nd language? First up is speech.

CHRISTA: Did I hear you say speech? That’s where I’m headed! My name is Christa, I’m captain of the speech team. What’s your name?

JEPPE: Jeppe. I’m a foreign exchange student.

CHRISTA: Jeppe? I have a good feeling about you.

JEPPE:  You do?

CHRISTA:  You know what? You should come to the speech team call out meeting tomorrow after school.

JEPPE: It was really nice making a new friend on my first day, but I was feeling a bit homesick, so I set up a video call with mom and dad back home in Denmark.

MOM: Hi Jeppe!  Isn’t this great honey?!?  Hold on, I think your dad wants to talk to you!

JEPPE: I don’t think he wants to talk to me, mom.

MOM: Yes he does! (looking right- to DAD – listening for a moment) Yes you do! (back to JEPPE) I’ll go get him…

JEPPE: No, mom… you don’t have to--- Hi, dad.

DAD: ----Hello? Helloooo?

JEPPE: Dad! Flip up your screen! I’m talking to your crotch.

DAD: Hah, that’s what she’s saying! So, man to man Jeppe, any girls I need to know about?

JEPPE: I dunno dad, I’ve never really had---

DAD: ---much of a personality?  I know son…

JEPPE: I was gonna say ---luck with that sort of stuff. I just got here dad, I haven’t really thought about girls.

DAD: Haven’t thought about girls? Jeppe, when I was your age, my wallet had a ring on the front leather cover.

JEPPE:  Geez dad…

DAD: It’s easy son.  All you have to do is join a gang.

JEPPE: Well, the speech team is having a call out meeting tomorrow after school, and this girl did invite me to check it out.

DAD:   Even better!  Join her little club! That way she’ll be forced to hang out with you… like I am… Nonetheless, cheerio!

CHRISTA: Hey, Jeppe!  I had a feeling you would show up…

JEPPE: I’m having some feelings as well…

CHRISTA:  What?

JEPPE: Uhmm… Tell me about the speech team.

CHRISTA: Well, we write and deliver speeches, as well as interpret books, movie scripts, musicals and plays, on topics like: abortion, rape, cancer, suicide, genocide, homicide, the dark side. You know, the usual.

JEPPE: Oh, so it’s like acting?

CHRISTA: No no no no no! It’s INTERPRETATION!

JEPPE: Well, what’s the difference?

CHRISTA:  (mysteriously) Nobody knows!... So you interested?

JEPPE: I dunno…

CHRISTA:  I could really use a new duo partner…

JEPPE:  Partner?!?  I guess I could give it a shot.

CHRISTA: Great! This is our piece.

JEPPE: “A Tumor on My Heart” wow, I wonder what this is about…

CHRISTA: It’s very sad! But also funny, with singing, dancing, tech, sign language---

JEPPE:  ---and cancer?

CHRISTA:  Lots of cancer. In duo, we must always be in sync. No matter what. Words. Facial expressions. Bodily functions. You get my point.